Funny. I left MySpace for dead, and out of principle refuse to go back there. Xanga was a fleeting moment of my freshman year. Facebook is my main link to all that is social, but I've left myself far too vulnerable to judgmental and unforgiving eyes there. Aside from resorting to LiveJournal, I'm left to my dA. The last place I would've thought I would end up ranting. The one place I have left free from eyes. Her eyes. Her haunting eyes. The eyes that, for all my knowledge, have not once looked for me in the recesses of her subconcious. Or for all I know, desperately see me everywhere she goes. My bet is on the former.

Why am I so critical of myself to think that she hasn't once cared to think of me? Because I am the latter. Regardless of how much I try, I see her in everything I do, even if just for a moment. Her name is ever present in 85% of the stories I read, or the conversations I have. I'm reminded of anecdotes I've shared, either about or with her, over the smallest connections. It hasn't brought me down as much as it would have 2 years ago.

2 years ago, the first time I was shattered. 2 years ago, a very dark time for me. 2 years ago, so close to the end. I was saved by someone who is no longer with us. Someone I wish I could've had the opportunity to return the favor to. He pulled me from the darkness I had surrounded myself in. With a few small words, and an address I had a cushion I knew I could fall back on. I didn't need it in the long run. Football and Warcraft saw to that.

This time, there is no cushion. There is no need for once, because there is no darkness. Just some shade. A little dark cloud over every hour since that one. She is my littlr rain cloud. I'm haunted by her name. I'm hauntder by her voice. I'm haunted by her secrets I've vowed to keep. Secrets I will keep, because nothing would be gained violating her trust to strangers, even though she violated mine. I often wonder why she haunts me. I'm not devastated by this. I'm not desperately trying to win her back. She's just ever present in the back of my mind.

Some might say I still love her, but I believe that love prevails over all shortcomings. But after a month, her biggest shortcoming has not been overcome in my eyes, so I'm not so sure that my love is still present. Some might say distance makes the heart grow fonder. Some might say that without closure I'll be doomed for another year, as I was 2 years ago.

Despite all of this, there is someone. Someone I may be able to use to break this haunting. Love? Hardly. For now it seems as if she's just looking for someone to sink into her thighs, and maybe that's what I need right now. Some carnal contact to snap me from my childish romanticized idealistic vision of love and relationships. College changes people, maybe it's time for me to change...